Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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