Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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