I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
