It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
