Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
