i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
