just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
