we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
