why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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