Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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