I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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