A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
