Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
