i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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