Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Randomize
