hotel room ftw
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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