A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
