just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
