I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
