It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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