she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
