I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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