My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
