I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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