Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
