Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(917): View more from New York City

I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever

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(616): View more from Michigan

every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.

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(661): View more from California

I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He hit me with his bagpipe

(618): View more from Illinois

Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?

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