One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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