pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
