does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think people are normalizing furries
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
