put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize