did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
