My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
