just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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