I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
