I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize