hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize