respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
