all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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