Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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