My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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