Rock
Scissors
Fuck
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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