So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I wish my penis had an off switch
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
