Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
