ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
