You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
