I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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