Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
