I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
zippers are such a cool invention
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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