dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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