I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
