I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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