Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize