I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the condom got lost in my hair
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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