im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
