They should really pass out barf bags in church
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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