allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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