so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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